Where to begin? I think the winds shifted or maybe a change in heart, I’m not sure exactly I just know there was a change somewhere. The change, I feel like I’m committing blasphemy somehow but, the change………..a loss of joy. Sure there have been other things going on in my life like family stuff, work stuff, friend stuff …………no more than anybody else. Some things were more of a challenge than others but someone who truly enjoys running would turn to that thing in rough patches, right? Not me. In addition to all the things going on in my life I’ve been struggling with the one thing that I’ve used so long to help define who I am. Keep in mind it’s not THE only thing that defines who I am, just one of those things.
Yes, I’ve kept this struggle a personal thing. It’s been such a personal thing/struggle that I can be accused of withdrawing from others. I didn’t know how to articulate until today what “it” was and what to do about “it.” In the mean time I have felt a strong pull on my faith. As I even mention this I have to let you know, I’m not a southern gal who can preach the Bible from front to back. I’m not someone who can tell you all the books of the Bible. In fact, I’m just the opposite. I would like to think of myself as a project of God who is in need of constant work.
So as this year has evolved so has my life. The pull away from most things I’ve enjoyed has continued as I’ve sat in utter confusion trying to figure out why I didn’t crave to do what I’ve been doing. As I have tried to find out what “it” was I turned to my Bible. Nothing new except one day led to an new obession. Not fanatic I don’t think but more of a,” I really need to spend more quiet time with God” and then I realized I was using the Bible to find what “it” was.
I wasn’t asking God for wisdom to help me want to run more, although I ain’t too proud to beg. In fact, it actually dawned on me one day I had lost joy. Well, now that I think about it I was reading Ryan Hall’s book Running With Joy and at some point that’s when I thought “That’s whats missing, joy.” Then I dove in to my quiet time even more over the last couple of weeks wanting a Godly joy to come into my life. I want joy. I have always viewed my religion, the Bible and even my relationship with God as a very serious solemn thing. Almost as a strict parent to a child. Yes sir, No sir, thou shall not steal, thou shall not be lazy…………you get the picture. It wasn’t until just recently that I realized God wants me to be happy, laugh and be light hearted.
I know some of you may think I’ve gone off the deep end. Maybe I have but I’m doing it a little more happy! I know that the word joy has been stamped into me for some reason and I’m more than happy to chase it down. Where does that leave me as far as running? I think I’ve relied on it more than I’ve relied on God in the past and maybe that’s what the change has been. I’m not saying He took my joy of running away. I’m saying my attention has been refocused. It’s okay for me to love to run but when I turn to it more than I turn to God for my joy then it’s time to reevaluate. I’ve decided to take my running and workouts a little less serious for now. For now, it’s just a workout. It’s part of my quiet time but not ALL of my quiet time.
In fact, tomorrow will start as Day 1 of just working out. More of a fun game of how long can I go till I start a new day 1.